Monday, April 6, 2009

My Dream: I would like to empower young girls to believe in themselves and encourage them to set goals that they would like to reach by sharing my own experiences.

Last week, I worked on the three key points I would like girls to remember about my talk. This week I kept honing in on my message. I did an activity that Professor R. provided me with and let me tell you it was harder than I thought it was going to be. At first glance it just a couple of questions that are about you and that should be easy. Who knows you better than you? I kept hearing in my head, who do you think you are telling these girls about life? What give you any authority? Your story is not phenomenal.And that has been one piece of my resistance. I hear all the negative messages/voices just questioning my knowledge whether I gained it through books or living life. I have learned so much from others and myself though out my life but it has not been until recently that I actually start listening to what I know is best for me. I hear a lot of early year messages from my parents of not being good enough, not being smart enough, not being special enough, not doing things perfect enough, not being dependent enough, not being strong enough. My parents never told me any of these things out loud but I certainly felt that way in certain situations. I wanted my parents to see me as a separate individual than my brother’s sister who could never quite reach his level of greatness.

Having to do my steps for this week- I procrastinated so much but I do not think it is procrastination for me but more of trying to take this in smaller steps so I do not feel overwhelmed and discouraged. I usually start my homework the Thursday right after class and work on it until it is due. I want to get the most out of class and feel this anxiety to do my best but strive to be perfect. I usually set unrealistic expectations and fall very hard. I do not think I have a good gage for appropriate expectations. I am so scared of making a mistake but also forgiving myself for making that mistake is hard. I should have known better. I should have done better. For me, it is survival fear that shows its ugly head so often in my life.

The way I have started to move though it is by allowing myself to make mistakes and taking more risk. Side note: For the last couple of years, I have always wanted to order the peanut butter and jelly sandwich at Potbelly’s but I never wanted to take the risk because what if the sandwich was not deeelicious?! I know, to most people this might seem a bit we-ird and most would just order the sandwich but not I. I just could not risk it! Until last week, I ordered it and it was good. It could have used more jelly than peanut butter but overall tasty.

Self talk has been very instrumental too. The poignant quotes from both Sher and Hook’s are constantly in my mind now. Knowing that FEAR will fade and I still need to succeed helps. Dr. Rock once told me that her core message is: Racism exists and YOU still have to succeed. So I use this when I fall on Hard Times- X exist but you still have to succeed!

1 comment:

  1. your dreams and ambitions are very interesting! we need more people like you in the world!